Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard

the bad times i expected it to come, has come. this time round, it is not those normal feeling, it just a feeling i can't put them into words. at that point of time, i thought it was me being sensitive, then i thought, no, i was thinking too much. after that, i thought for awhile and decided it was jealousy. next i told myself it was the feeling of being replaced. then, the cycle repeats all over again.

what can this syndrome call?
i need a friend that truly cares about me every now and then.
i need a friend that can always nvr fails to push me forward and not bring me back.
i need a friend that have trust on me, tells me his/her feelings so that i know i can trust him/her.
i need a friend that can accompany me through all the thick and thin.
i once have  friend that fulfill to the requirements i've mentioned. it was her. yes, the girl i spend all my thick and thin tgt throughout my lower secondary times. but she can nvr come back, we can only be normal friend like schoolmate.
i need to find one now, but i know things just have to let nature take its course.
i thought i have found another one, but i feel that she doesn't get the point i'm trying to refer to! sigh, so i just have to forget about it and remain as per normal.
srsly, i need to redefine what is friendship all over again.
tell me, what are they for?
why are they here? will the bother to ask where are you if you are not around. will they say that they are miserable when you are not around?
all these, i need. sigh, why am i so stupid. to quarrel with somebody that i can trust on, and now, thus making the both of us fall out and we can nvr get back tgt again.

i need to have a specially made medicine for me, to make me think straight till o's over. then i can work till i peng i also ok. so that i need not think otherwise but just work and work and then head home sleep. and it repeats till the results of o's.

when i turn mad, the first thing i'd do is to smash my fucking phone.
how to, srsly, stop monthly emotional issues. this is annoying me. fuck this.
i want to have a normal life like the rest do, but somehow i can't.
god. damn. it. k. thx. bye.